Some of the things you will hear before giving birth to your second child are:
“Your heart will expand”
“You never knew you could love so much”
“Is your toddler.. ready, excited, going to be jealous”
“Are you ready?”
But do they tell you this will be a hard transition? It might take time to bond with your second? You will miss the time when it was just the 3 of you? You will be the busiest and most tired you have ever been?
Well, that is how the first month with 2 under 2 felt. It didn’t always feel like love was bursting from my heart. I felt overwhelmed, tired, confused, and sad. I longed for the routine I had with my toddler before my newborn arrived. I wanted more time with my toddler, but my newborn demanded what seemed like all of my attention. On top of all of the emotions that come with postpartum life, I was also in a lot of pain from a c-section and breastfeeding was a struggle.
So, how did I survive and make it beyond the fog of the first few weeks? Well, thorough preparation, sticking with routines, amazing support, and some practical items helped a ton. Sprinkle in a healthy dose of Mantras and I made it through.
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Preparation
I wrote a whole blog post about how to prepare for Baby #2 with a toddler (you can read that HERE) before I even had Miles. So, let me reflect on the preparation that helped, given some hindsight.
Preparing your toddler
There is really only so much you can do to prepare your toddler. Most of what they need after the baby comes you can’t fully prepare for and you need to just figure it out and meet their needs the best you can in the moment. There were a few things that were very helpful when preparing our toddler.
One of my favorite ways to prepare Ruby is really my favorite way to introduce any new concept and that is through books. Ruby loves books and loves to read. We often cozy up together and read 5 to 10 books in a row. So, reading books felt very natural.
We read books both about babies and about emotions. I found all of these books to be very beneficial preparation. In the first month postpartum we referred to these books often. Since she was only 17 months when Miles was born, I didn’t know how much she understood of what was happening and I didn’t know how she would respond.
I honestly did not expect her to react as harshly as she did. She is such a gentle, happy-go-lucky kid that I did not expect her to be rough with her baby brother. Well, I was wrong.
She wanted nothing to do with holding him. She would say “down” and point to the ground basically telling me to put him down. She would hit, scratch, grab, bite, and push him. I felt so horrible because I felt like I wasn’t meeting her needs, afterall she was still a baby herself. She needed lots of attention still too and it was so difficult not being able to give it to her like I used to.
This is where the books came in handy. Not only was this our bonding time when we could read together, but it also made for an excellent text to life connection. We would read about babies and I would say things like:
“That’s how we can play with Miles”
“Babies only drink milk they don’t eat food, just like Miles”
“We can sing to Miles like they did”
“You were a baby too”
“Look, you were small too, just like Miles”
These are some of our favorite books about babies:
I love Wonderbly books, but this one is especially perfect for our family. I was able to write the dedication page and it almost made me cry just writing it. I also almost cried the first few times reading this book.
There are many big sister or new baby at home types of books, but since this one is personalized to Ruby with her name and situation, it is even more special and she is able to make those connections more easily.
The more she saw what babies do, how others care for babies, and how she could be a big sister (both in books and in real life) it became easier.
Ruby was also feeling lots of big emotions. Possibly emotions she had never felt before. That coupled with turning 18 months old and becoming more of a toddler, made talking and reading about emotions essential.
She related a lot more to the characters in the story. She also related a lot more to the emotions she saw in the books. She loved the upset baby in the Baby’s Feelings book because it looked like Miles when he cried. She would point to the book and then point to Miles and say “Miles” (in her little voice it sounds like Meowls).
Relating to others (even in books) helps us all feel validated and not so alone. I think reading and discussing the emotions really helped Ruby…and me.
Here are some of our favorite emotion books for toddlers:
Another helpful thing we did to prepare Ruby for Miles’ arrival was to pretend play and use dolls A LOT. Dolls are crucial for both boys and girls when they have a sibling coming. It was good for preparation and the dolls also helped during that first month transition.
Just like with the books, the dolls were a great connection to the reality of a baby in the home. They were also great for practicing the gentle touches that we so desperately needed (and still need) to practice.
Many people often talk about preparing the nursery before the baby and that was just not me. It is definitely the most fun part of preparing, but not a crucial piece. We didn’t even finalize Miles’ room until about one month after his arrival.
So, don’t even worry if you haven’t finished the nursery before the baby or even in the first month. That is one thing you can definitely let go.
Here are a couple pictures of his nursery (6 weeks after his birth):
Some of my favorite things about his room are his name sign, his baby book, the dresser, and the mirror.
Preparing your family
I had a c-section and was in a lot of pain. I wasn’t allowed to lift Ruby and that was heartbreaking.
My husband, Chris had to take over many of the daily routine tasks with Ruby, including lunch time, nap time, bath time, and bedtime. Luckily, we had prepared for this and he had started doing more of these routine tasks even before Miles’ arrival.
The problem was that both Ruby and I were emotional wrecks. This change in routine coupled with the desire for our previous lives and routines caused so many tears. I think we pushed it too far. I was in another room with Miles while Chris gave Ruby a bath. We thought it would be easier for me to not be in the room, but I heard her cries for “Mommy, mommy” from down the hall and it was all too much for me to bear.
In hindsight, I would have done the whole routine with them and it would have made it easier. When we started doing all of bathtime and bedtime together (with Chris doing the heavy lifting) it became much less stressful and way less tears.
Keeping routines as consistent and “normal” as possible was also a savior.
Maintaining Routines
A newborn at home causes so much chaos to any family’s routine. When you add a toddler to the mix, it is harder to go with the newborn flow. It is important to maintain consistency and the toddler’s routine as much as possible.
This is not to say that we weren’t flexible or that there wasn’t way more screen time than normal, but we tried to maintain some parts of our previous routines (like bath time and bedtime routines).
Another thing I wrote about in my post “Preparing Yourself and Your Toddler for Baby #2” was busy boxes. These really did help me survive the first month, but I may have organized them a little differently in hindsight.
I made them more like boxes of a variety of toys and materials to use, but I think it would have been more helpful to prepare boxes of specific activities I wanted to do with Ruby.
Check out my “Shop” page for suggestions on toddler toys, art supplies, sensory supplies, and loose parts.
Ruby was used to me doing a daily activity of some sort with her and if I didn’t have some of the activities already prepared it would have made things more difficult. Luckily, a couple of the busy boxes were more like a prepared activity and I relied on some simple play ideas to get us through.
Maintaining this routine of a special activity gave some normalcy both for Ruby and for me. Plus, it gave Ruby and I some much needed one on one time.
One on one time with your toddler is going to save you so much pain and suffering, both physically and emotionally. Ruby would get extra rough and needy when I did not spend one on one time with her throughout the day.
It is important to spread it out over the day instead of only at one point of the day. It doesn’t even have to be that long, but if I could give her my undivided attention without holding Miles in my arms for at least 10 minutes throughout the day, then she would be much more self-sufficient and less rough than if she was craving that connection.
In fact, this is one of my tips for increasing independent play (see more of those tips HERE).
Amazing Support
I realize that I am super lucky with my support system. Chris gets 6 weeks of paid paternity leave from work and he added some extra time with his accrued paid time off. We also have lots of family nearby that are more than willing to help.
Both of Ruby’s grandmas watched her while we were in the hospital and my mom had a stew prepared for us for our first night home from the hospital.
I would be crazy if I did not include this amazing support system as a part of what helped me survive the first month with 2 under 2.
This support was also given virtually from friends and also on Instagram with my amazing community of followers.
I was really struggling to figure out breastfeeding with Miles. It seemed as though I had an oversupply. He would choke and gag on the milk, as if he was drowning in milk. He would cry and spit up after every feeding. My breasts became painfully engorged. I really wanted to give up breastfeeding altogether after the first week, but I knew there were so many benefits to keep going.
I reached out to my followers on Instagram for advice and encouragement and was met with a bunch of stories of how I was not alone. Here are some of their messages:
You’ve got this! My first kid was in the NICU 5 days and my milk wasn’t in so they had to supplement. We didn’t even get to try breastfeeding until he was home, and I cried a lot. Finally got it and ended up in the hospital for 5 days having to get emergency gallbladder surgery. Had to pump and dump 5 days. We made it to 9 months before I stopped for a second round of IVF. Baby 2, I had an over supply and she puked ALL the time. We made it through and she is now weaning at 17 months and is only on night feeds.
Breastfeeding was SUCH a hard journey with my first too! And I’m expecting to struggle with this next babe. I nearly gave up so many times. I think I would have but she couldn’t tolerate any dairy or soy and I wasn’t confident that formula would be a better option than just sticking with breastfeeding while changing my whole diet. We made it just over a year (thanks new pregnancy), and it was pretty much never not a struggle. Sending good vibes your way, you can navigate it, one issue at a time (that’s how I survived I think). And know you’re not alone.
I had the hardest time for the first 3 weeks. Bleeding, pain, having to use guards due to babys shallow latch (no tongue tie, just super strong and shallow latch– brutal). I used the haakaa due to an over supply and just stored the extra milk for later. I swear by the haakaa. Bought an extra one too to keep in the shower, by the bed, whenever/where ever I thought I might need relief from being engorged. After the 3 week mark though, it suddenly became so much easier! You got this!
I had a C section and had like zero milk for the first 2 days. On the third day after pumping I started to get some and topped up with formula. But my son wouldn’t latch. He had jaundice and was always too tired and sleepy to latch. I left hospital 5 days later pumping and bottle feeding and he still wasn’t latching. My mum made me all those cookies and lots of fenugreek and coconut! A week later I went back for a follow up and he finally latched, but I couldn’t get it to work at home! I was so lost. A week went by and he finally latched. But a few days later one of my nipples became sooo cracked it was so painful so he was only feeding on one side and I’d pump the bad side to build a freezer stash. But then my body thought i was feeding 2 babies!!! It all worked out about a month later and I’ve been breastfeeding almost 18 months now.
Hang in there!!!
You are not alone! Far from that..
People don’t talk much about that… at least, not here in Brazil. We give birth and think breastfeeding is going To be “Nice and easy” I love To breastfeed. To be my girl’s comfort is amazing… something I’m the only one who can do it.
These messages and several others helped me feel less alone and empowered me to persevere through the struggles.
Motherhood can feel so lonely and isolating at times, so messages from these followers as well as family and friends helped get me through rough moments. I encourage you to reach out to others even if you feel like you are complaining about something small. More likely than not you are not alone and it probably isn’t small.
Practical Items
There were definitely some practical items that I would highly recommend to help you survive the first month. Some of the items will help you feel cozy (which is important when you are sleep deprived, in pain, and bleeding). Other items will help with breastfeeding and others will help you entertain your toddler without a screen and without a mess.
Cozy Items
Flowy pants or sweatpants
If you are having a c-section, then some flowy pants are definitely needed. Many people suggest wearing leggings after birth, but I never wanted to wear something tight like that because it would hurt my incision. I wanted to look put together, but also cozy so I got some flowy pants to meet my needs.
Disposable Underwear
Ok, so I know they give you some disposable underwear at the hospital, but did you know they have a sexy version? I mean feeling sexy is exactly what a woman feels right after giving birth right?!
Hahaha, but seriously these underwear were given to me by a friend and they were a lifesaver. They are high waisted and comfortable on a c-section incision and you don’t have to worry about uncomfortable pads.
High waisted underwear
After I ran out of the disposable underwear and felt a little more human I decided to switch to regular underwear with pads. I still wanted the high waisted underwear for the incision pain. I tried so many different kinds of high waisted underwear, but these Motherhood Maternity were my favorite. I suggest stocking up to get at least a week supply so that you don’t have to do laundry every couple days (you will be doing so much laundry anyways).
Breastfeeding items
If you plan to breastfeed there are a few items that will make your life so much easier.
I basically live in clip down tank tops and cardigans (for winter) or kimonos (for summer). Since I gave birth in winter this time around I had to find some sweaters that allowed easy boob access. These are some of my Winter favorites:
You may already have a breast pump and whether you want to use it or not, I highly suggest you also have a haakaa ready. This thing saved me when I was seriously engorged. I couldn’t pump because then it would signal my body to make more milk and that was the last thing that I wanted. So, instead I used the haakaa to relieve some pressure while still not giving my breasts the wrong message.
Seriously, get one of these! In fact, get more than one so you don’t have to wash it constantly.
Toddler Items
So, there will probably be more screen time than you are used to when your newborn arrives and that is ok. Let go of the guilt, you are in survival mode.
But, to balance things out a little here are some items for your toddler that don’t require too much or any prep, they can play with independently, and they don’t make a mess. Simple play is going to save you so many headaches.
Click on the images to take you to the product.
These are seriously my go to independent play tool. They keep Ruby really engaged and I don’t have to worry about mess. The water pen refills so you don’t have to worry about it running out of water.
Ruby really loves this Poke-a-Dot book. It is a neat concept where they pop the bubbles on each page. It encourages counting with 1:1 correspondence and it is just really satisfying. Pair this book with some farm animal figurines and you have yourself a really easy play idea.
These open/close blocks from Fisher Price are amazing. They open and close without having to turn. Inside are different textures and a hidden animal. They are wood and translucent plastic that look really cool against light. The textures make it really fun to stamp onto play dough or kinetic sand.
Magnetic tiles are such a great open-ended resource. Kids from all ages love to build with them. When I had them in my preschool and kindergarten classrooms they were played with every day. This brand I found at Sams Club for a really good price and the quality is just as good as the more expensive brands.
Final Thoughts
If you read all of that and still feel horrible make sure you contact your doctor with any serious concerns.
I just want you to know that you are not alone. Most likely you are not doing anything wrong, it just really is that hard.
Repeat the following mantras again:
This too shall pass.
This will not last forever.
Time goes quickly.
I made it through this before.
I will get back to “normal” soon.
I will sleep again.
You got this!
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