Where Play Meets Potential
You have the positive pregnancy test and there could be a wide range of emotions you are feeling. I know for us it was a little bit of shock, fear, denial, confusion, and excitement.
Once you have processed those emotions, now what? How do you prepare yourself, your family, your home, and your toddler for another human being?
Chris and I wanted to have another child. Ruby had reached a fun and slightly more independent age, so we decided (hesitantly) to try for baby number 2. We had only just started trying when Covid hit and shut everything down.
I started to second guess our decision. Maybe having just one child was enough. Maybe it wasn’t the best time to try for a second child during a global pandemic.
Well, it was too late.
Chris was working from home and I thought I was feeling nauseous from too much coffee. Chris went to get a pregnancy test on his lunch break (he got a multi-pack because he thought for sure I wasn’t pregnant) and sure enough I saw that plus sign before the two minute wait time was over.
We were shocked and a little in denial. Took me a while to process the reality of what was to come. I also felt a little guilty that I didn’t feel more excited and overjoyed, afterall, this is what I wanted wasn’t it?
We are complex creatures with complex feelings and it is ok to not feel ecstatic and overwhelmed with joy every second while preparing for another child. There are definitely moments of stress, anxiety, and exhaustion while growing a human while also caring for a young child.
Maybe I am a perfectionist, maybe I am an overthinker, maybe I am a control freak, and maybe I plan and prepare to maintain some semblance of control. If you are on board with any of those types of personalities then you might want to read on to get some ideas on how to plan and prepare for baby 2 with a toddler in tow.
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This is an obvious one and really one of the least important. I say prepare other areas for the baby because the nursery is often not utilized in the first few months. The important things for me to prepare in the nursery were the clothes and organization.
We had lots of hand me down clothes so organizing them by size and putting them in labeled bins was a huge priority. I did this with Ruby and it was a life saver. She quickly grew out of her clothes and I felt like I could barely keep up. Having them in labeled bins according to size made it so easy. When she was close to growing out of one size I just brought out the next bin.
Some other storage that was necessary to prepare was the dresser and closet shelving. Once the dresser and the cube shelf for the closet was put together I could put in the first batch of clothes, socks, hats, bibs, blankets, shoes, swaddles, and other accessories. Feeling organized for those items felt crucial to me.
The other cute stuff in the nursery was way less important. Don’t get me wrong, setting up the nursery is more about the ritual and preparing both yourself and your toddler for an incoming child. It makes it feel more real. So, even though I wasn’t as on top of the cute stuff for baby #2, I did pay attention to some of the details.
Some of the other areas to consider are where they will sleep at night, nap during the day, play safely with a toddler running around. We have a bassinet and changing pad set up in our room for sleeping at night. We will put out a pack and play downstairs for napping and playing throughout the day and I also am trying out the newborn lounger this time around. I have seen and heard how helpful they are with other parents, so we will see how it goes for us.
With a super busy toddler in tow, it is crucial to maintain routine as much as possible and to make sure they are entertained. A bored toddler is one that will act out and display negative behaviors much more than if their needs are taken care of. I wanted to make sure Ruby continued to be entertained even after the baby and especially when I will be feeding the baby constantly.
We are lucky to have family to help and Chris gets 6 weeks paid paternity leave so there are plenty of hearts and hands to help with Ruby, but I also wanted to prepare some simple, independent play activities for those moments when I am occupied and there are not as many hands to help. The others helping may not know what we have or what activities would be interesting to Ruby either, so setting up a few busy boxes could help them out too.
These busy boxes kept independent play in mind. They included things that were not messy, choking hazards, open-ended, and at her skill level.
If you need more tips on encouraging independent play, be sure to check out my post “6 Tips to Increase Independent Play.”
You can also get some ideas for open-ended play through loose parts through my posts:
Another thing that is important for keeping a toddler occupied is a fresh toy rotation. If you are curious how to get started with a toy rotation you can read my tips HERE.
With new toys and books out on the shelf, a toddler is much more engaged for a longer period of time. So just like with the busy boxes, I wanted Ruby to be engaged and entertained so that the negative behaviors would be minimized.
I do not have a set schedule for rotating her toys, I just simply try to observe how she plays (or doesn’t play) with her materials and rotate them when I see she is disengaged.
Having fresh toys out before baby #2 would help me feel more organized and would help Ruby to be engaged with her shelf toys for longer. This would allow more space for baby #2 bonding.
I understand that this is a luxury not available to all people, but I am here to say that if you are able to put aside some money for a house cleaner it is totally worth it.
Sometimes as a stay at home mom or work from home mom you feel that you should be able to do it all. The reality is caring for one child is enough. Caring for one child and working is a lot. Caring for one child, working from home, and taking care of the home is a huge job.
Outsourcing whenever you can helps to maintain sanity. One of the things I have decided to outsource for my own sanity is a monthly deep cleaning.
Read more about how to survive the first year (or even after the first year) as a stay at home mom HERE.
Something I am doing to prepare our home for baby #2 is to get a deep cleaning. I always feel better after a house cleaning. When there is clutter and endless tiny cleaning tasks my brain feels cluttered and overwhelmed. That is the last thing you want to feel before bringing a baby into this world.
So, treat yo’ self! Get that house cleaned by someone else.
This is probably the task that everyone fears and questions. One of the questions I get asked most often this pregnancy is “Is Ruby aware of what is happening?”
The truth is the answer is no. Toddlers think concretely not abstractly and having a baby in Mommy’s belly is a very abstract concept for a toddler. They cannot see, touch, or hear the baby. They have not yet experienced Mom being preoccupied with the baby.
They are also very egocentric, meaning the whole world is experienced from their point of view. They are the center of the universe and can’t put themselves in the shoes of others.
So, how do you get a toddler ready for something that is to come? Here are just a few tips that I am trying. As always, remember each child and each family is different. Take what resonates with you and leave the other stuff.
Ruby loves to read. Ruby loves to make connections to books. She is constantly doing this. As early as 14 or 15 months she was pointing to her Sesame Street book and then pointing to the TV. She was asking to watch Sesame Street even before she had the words to do so. She also finds her cat stuffed animal when seeing a cat in a book or finds her Yoda toy when seeing a Star Wars book.
So, why not take this love of books to make the transition smoother with a new baby. Here are some of the books we have read that I believe will help with the transition to baby #2.
I love Wonderbly books, but this one is especially perfect for our family. I was able to write the dedication page and it almost made me cry just writing it. I also almost cried the first few times reading this book.
There are many big sister or new baby at home types of books, but since this one is personalized to Ruby with her name and situation, it is even more special and she is able to make those connections more easily.
Ok, this one almost made me cry too. This book was given to Ruby for her first birthday (see what else she got and read all about her first birthday HERE).
This is such a sweet book and the part that made me cry was towards the end when it talks about how she is special and will always be loved. I like how it talks about what babies do and can’t do and how siblings can be involved. It also gave me the idea to show her pictures of when she was a baby.
Taking from the idea in the “I’m a Big Sister” book, we also look at her photo album from her first year of life (Thanks Aunt Nanna!) all the time. We talk about when she was a baby and all the things we did. I think it is important for her to see herself as a baby so she can see that she was also a baby and she can see what babies are like.
Reading about babies and seeing real babies helps her understand them and I am hoping that will help her form an understanding of babies before she has one in her home.
Here are some other books with real babies or about babies that we love to read:
Emotions can also run crazy after a baby (for all involved) and so talking about, naming, and beginning to learn about emotions is also important to prepare for the next baby.
Ruby has started to imitate some of the emotions she sees in books. For this reason, I thought it was a great time to discuss emotions and to read some simple emotion books. That way she can begin to identify the emotions she feels and let me know so that we can work it out.
Here are a couple great books about emotions for toddlers:
This one has such an important message that all emotions are ok to feel and that they will be loved no matter how they feel.
Feeling upset is ok, it is the negative behaviors that are sometimes associated with feeling upset that are not ok. It is ok to feel mad, but it is not ok to hit because you are mad.
I want Ruby to know that I am going to love her no matter what. This book puts that message simply enough for even a toddler.
This book has the added benefit of being very diverse. It shows all sorts of people and families. Can’t recommend this one enough!
I love these simple books by Harry Abrams because they show real babies. Ruby loves non-fiction books for their realistic images. She also loves looking at other babies.
She does really well with imitating and connecting with other real life images, so this one is perfect for the various emotions pictured.
This book is even more simple and can be used almost like flashcards. They have nice big real photographs of babies’ emotions with a label of the emotion. Ruby loves the silly page and she imitates the upset crying baby.
Another way to practice for the new baby’s arrival is through pretend play. Ruby already loves baby dolls, so this was a natural way to prepare for baby #2.
Some of the ways I support her pretend play is by modeling proper and gentle care for a baby. We talk about and practice not touching the baby’s eyes, singing to the baby, putting the baby down gently, feeding the baby a bottle, getting the baby items, and giving gentle touches. We also practice gentle touches with our cat and with ourselves.
Sometimes we are not fully aware of just how much young children are paying attention to our every move until they do something and you think, “How did they learn that? I didn’t teach them that” or “Wow, that was just like me.” So, involving them with everyday things to prepare for the baby is also helping your toddler prepare.
They can help with the baby laundry, setting up the nursery, or putting away baby supplies. When you are getting all the baby gear ready have them nearby and narrate everything you are doing. Making special note that “This is for baby” or “This is your baby brother’s car seat, clothes, room, etc.”
It is very important to make any transitions well before or after baby’s arrival. The arrival of a new sibling is enough transition for a toddler and if you want fewer negative behaviors and more success with transition then I suggest giving enough time before or after the baby.
We made a big transition to a floor bed months before the arrival of Baby Boy. You can read all about our transition and get some helpful tips if you are planning a transition out of the crib and into a “big kid” bed on my post “How to Transition Your Toddler to a Floor Bed.”
With Covid-19 restrictions many hospitals will not allow visitors, not even siblings. This means you will need to plan for someone to watch your toddler while you are in the hospital.
We never left Ruby overnight before having baby #2, so this was the part that left me most concerned. She has lots of family nearby that she loves and adores, so I knew she would be cared for, but at the same time she is really attached to me so I worried that she would be upset and missing me while we were gone. I know I will be missing her.
To handle my own anxieties, I planned and prepared.
First, I wrote out her daily routine so that routines could stay as close as possible to the same while we were gone or when we came back and anyone was helping with Ruby after the baby was home.
There is a lot of flexibility in our day so that is why I call it a routine rather than a schedule, but it goes something like this (each part doesn’t have a time to allow for flexibility also):
7:00-8:15 Wake up
Breakfast
Get Ready for the day
Play
9:30-10:30 snack
Play
11:30ish Lunch
12:30-2:30ish Nap
Snack
Play
5:30 Dinner
Play
7:15 Start Bedtime Routine
8:00 Bedtime
Both of Ruby’s grandmas would be the ones watching Ruby while we are in the hospital and they have watched Ruby before, but it is helpful to know how the whole day looks because they have never watched her for an extended amount of time. I also wrote out meal and snack ideas, but left flexibility for them there as well.
Ruby has always been a mama’s girl. She is very attached to me. So much so that she will cry if I go to the bathroom without her.
With having a scheduled c-section, I knew I would not be able to lift her for a while even after the baby and I were home.
So, this meant others would need to be more involved in daily routine tasks. Chris and I started sharing the bedtime routine tasks and feeding tasks more than we had in the past a few weeks before baby #2.
This got Ruby used to having someone else give her a bath, put on her PJ’s, or clean her off after a meal other than me.
Another thing that Covid has amplified is the rules you have for seeing the newborn baby after its birth. You definitely have to have that conversation with your significant other and with your families.
Some things to consider are:
How soon after the baby is home will you allow visitors?
Do visitors need to take a Covid test before? Wear a mask while holding the baby? Quarantine themselves before seeing the baby?
Are there any extra precautions you will take?
How many people are allowed to come visit at one time?
You don’t have to have it all figured out and we are all doing the best we can during these crazy times, but it is important to have discussions around these topics or be ready for questions about how you will proceed.
Do what is best for your family and whatever your doctor recommends.
Last, but definitely not least you need to consider yourself and get yourself prepared for another child to care for. I prepare myself mentally by doing all of the above, but I also like to reserve a few things for myself before this huge transition.
Before Ruby I pampered myself and it was the best thing I decided to do. I actually got my nails done when I was having contractions, which ended up being great because then my manicure lasted a long time after having a baby.
It isn’t that self-care ends when you have a child, but it just makes it much less convenient when you have a tiny human at home to care for and that demands so much of your time and attention. I exclusively breastfed Ruby and it made it hard to leave. You can pump, but my breasts would get engorged and hurt so bad if I left for any length of time.
So, ya, “me-time” is a little harder to come by after a baby. That is why I pamper myself with a fresh haircut and highlights, manicure and pedicure, and fresh waxing.
With your first child you probably were like me and had no clue what to actually pack for the hospital. You get so many pieces of advice and see so many different list ideas, but you still really don’t know.
Then you get to the hospital and realize you under-packed, over-packed, or packed just right. You realize what the hospital provides, what items provide you comfort, and what items are completely frivolous to you or your situation.
One of the best pieces of advice someone gave me the first time around was to pack as if you were going to have a c-section and would have to stay a few nights. I ended up having a c-section unexpectedly with Ruby because she was breech. I never would have imagined that, but I was glad I prepared to stay more than one night.
Since this is your second child, you may already know what you need to pack and when it feels comfortable to pack it. Everyone is different. I realized that I prefer to over-pack and there are certain items that I wish I would have had the first time around.
Yes, the hospital provides toiletries, but I would much prefer to have my own. Yes, you could just wear your hospital gown the whole time, but I much prefer to change into my own cozy clothes as soon as I could. I am also packing some cute photo op things for the baby this time too.
Besides packing as if you are going to have a c-section (because you just never know), my best advice is to do you and forget about what other people suggest. Learn from the first time and go from there.
I am the kind of person that is go, go, go so it is helpful that Chris reminds me to take it easy from time to time. He acknowledges all that I do and reminds me that it is ok to rest and take time for myself.
Prioritizing rest and me time before a new baby will put you in a better and healthier mindset. Nothing worse than entering a no-sleep newborn phase already tired and burnt out.
So, take that nap, go to bed early, sleep in, or have someone watch your toddler so you can have some alone time. You are growing a human and you deserve it!
I wrote this post even before Baby #2’s arrival, so some of this might be useless or crazy overthinking, but if it helps even one mom feel connected to another or feel a little more prepared for a big life transition, then I will consider it worth it to write out my thoughts and show you my vulnerable side.
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