Where Play Meets Potential
It has been a year since I first started my journey as a stay at home mom (SAHM) alone. Yes, I have been at home for more than a year, but I do not count the 6 weeks where my husband was also home for paternity leave. I was so lucky to have him for that time and I got really used to his help. The day before he went back to work I was completely terrified.
I wanted to write this reflection to help others who may be going through a similar transition or have similar feelings of terror. Before going too much further, let me just tell you that you will survive. It will be tough and you will learn more than you ever imagined, but you will survive.
If you would have asked me a year ago what I would expect my life to be like in a year, I can absolutely guarantee that I never would have said anything close to where I am now…and I couldn’t be happier.
It did not start out that way. In fact, I had every intention of going back to work after a year of staying at home, so I never really planned for the stay at home mom life.
Just to give you a little back story. I have been in the early childhood education field for pretty much my entire working life. I have lost track, but it is probably somewhere between 15 and 20 years of working with children in various settings (nanny, Montessori elementary, daycare, Reggio preschool, Head Start Preschool, Project-based private preschool/kindergarten, and public kindergarten). I also have my Bachelors degree in Human Development and my Masters degree in Early Childhood Education.
I assumed with all my experience and education, I would have a good foundation for staying at home with just one child. I had a feeling that being a nanny would be very similar to being a stay at home mom.
There is just one piece missing in all of these thoughts and assumptions…emotions.
There is an instinctual bond between mother and child. Countless people told me it would be different when I had my own child. I believed them, but it was different to experience it for myself.
It was especially different to experience it for myself coupled with postpartum hormones. Whew! Those were a doozy. Like PMS on steroids. Like going on an extreme rollercoaster, but putting on a smiling face during the ride for dozens of visitors on a constant flow with little to no sleep exacerbating the situation further. I know close family and friends don’t expect you to have a smiling face all the time, but it is also uncomfortable to cry in front of people when you don’t even know why you are crying.
After I got through the first week or two of crazy hormone emotions, things were pretty good with my husband, Chris, at home. I got really used to him being there and making food for me while I was constantly nursing. For some reason I never wanted the baby out of sight, so it was also nice having him home so that I could give her to him while I showered or went to the bathroom or just took a breather in general.
It was also nice to have company. I had someone to go on random adventures with in the middle of the week. I had someone to talk to throughout the day. I had someone to help me decide what to watch on TV.
The night before Chris went back to work it was like I got back on that hormone roller coaster. I couldn’t stop crying and couldn’t fully explain why. I would burst into tears with little or no provocation.
I was so scared.
I was worried that I would be so lonely. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to prepare food for myself to eat. I was worried about what I would do when I had to go to the bathroom. I was worried about how I would ever leave the house by myself with a baby. I was worried the time would go so slow and I would get so bored. I was worried about going completely stir crazy. I was worried staying home by myself with a newborn would make me go insane.
Ok, my list of worries could probably go on from there, but I think you understand the point.
I was really lucky to have some supportive family and friends. I reached out to one of my friends that stays home with four children. I knew she would have some tricks up her sleeve. I also received lots of supportive comments from fellow moms and stay at home moms on a Facebook post that I made.
Some of these tips set the tone and laid a great foundation for me to get started on this journey. I have figured some things out for myself along the way as well.
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One of my concerns was feeling lonely and isolated. When you are working outside of the house, even if you work in an office by yourself, you see people and interact with other adults on a regular basis. You do not naturally have that as a stay at home mom. It is not built in. You have to search out adult interactions.
It does get lonely and you do feel isolated at times. Sometimes you go the whole day not talking to another adult. Then when your partner gets home you end up talking their ear off.
The first few days or weeks of staying home were the loneliest. I was used to having a companion in Chris when he was home. I was so busy taking care of a newborn and trying to figure that out, that I didn’t seek out opportunities to connect with other adults.
I did talk to a few friends through text and I did visit my mom’s house right down the street, but it wasn’t yet part of my routine.
Even with a routine of connecting with others, it can still get lonely. So maybe you have a coffee date on Monday, go to a playdate on Tuesday, have mommy and me music class on Wednesday, etc., but honestly those only take up about a few hours of your whole day. You still have hours at home with just your little one(s).
So, yes, you do feel lonely and isolated at times.
This is Ruby the night before my husband went back to work after paternity leave. She was 6 weeks old here. I was so scared to be by myself with her at home.
Along with feeling lonely and isolated, you also feel bored too. It’s ok to admit that you don’t love every second of staying at home with your child. I know there have been plenty of times I dreamed of going back to work in the traditional sense.
When Ruby was a tiny baby not rolling, sitting, crawling, or doing much of anything, there were lots of times of boredom. Everyone always says to enjoy the time that they aren’t moving around.
Well, I’m here to say that I am enjoying it much more now that she is moving around.
Tiny babies can be very boring. In fact, toddlers can be boring too. You may have read some of my other blog posts or seen our lives on social media and think, “Wow how is she ever bored? They do so many fun things!” Much of what you see on the internet is just the highlight reel of our lives. We are not engaged in fun activities 24/7. Actually, many of those activities last 15 to 30 minutes at the most. That leaves a whole lot of day left to fill. So, yes, I get bored a lot. Even when Ruby is nicely playing on her own, I get bored.
It can get seriously so boring!
Even before Covid made “Going stir crazy” a popular trend, we SAHM’s have been feeling this for a while.
Yes, the pre-covid days were nice when you could freely leave your house, but honestly you had to make an effort to do that even then.
It is a huge effort with little kids too. You have to think about all the things they might need while they are out (extra clothes, diapers, wipes, paci, bottle, etc.). Also, when Ruby was really little, I was still a little uncomfortable with breastfeeding out and about. It is so awkward with a cover and getting the right hold for a latch and what not. Another thing as they get older, you begin to schedule your day around naptime because, let’s be real, naptime is your ONLY break ever.
All this leads to staying home more often. I consider myself a homebody and I still feel stir crazy from time to time. I don’t get to leave to go to work to come home and truly enjoy being home. I have been home all day everyday, so it gets really old.
So many trips to Target just to get out of the house.
On the contrary to feeling bored, you can also feel overwhelmed and a huge sense of guilt. Taking care of a young child is no joke. Some moms make it look effortless, but I think those moms are secretly hiding something or letting something go.
When I was feeling like I had one piece of the puzzle perfectly in place, it felt like some other piece was totally falling apart. For example, when I feel like I had a good day/week with planning, preparing, and executing engaging activities with Ruby, I didn’t have time to clean the house or get other things done.
So, if you were a fly on the wall of our home, when it is messiest we were probably having the most fun.
It really is hard to balance it all, especially with a newborn. If you are just starting this journey, give yourself some grace. Taking care of your baby is enough. It is time consuming, but also necessary.
I remember in the beginning when Ruby was eating what felt like around the clock, I felt horrible that I left dishes in the sink and had a giant pile of laundry to either do or fold. I felt like since I was home all day, I should have time to do all sorts of things. That’s what society thinks of SAHM’s anyways.
Having a fed and happy baby is more important though and it was always so nice of Chris to remind me that it was enough and that what I was doing was important because often it felt so mundane.
And maybe there are some crazy moms out there that can do it all, but it’s ok if you are not that mom. I’m not. The comparison game is a trap and is poisonous. Avoid it at all costs. We are all doing the best we can with the situation at hand.
Here I am trying to get it all done by wearing Ruby when she was only a couple weeks old.
I’m so thankful that I have a husband that supports me and my decisions. He believes that me staying home and raising our daughter is a powerful and important thing. He attributes her calm and happy demeanor to me being home with her.
As much as he reminds me of how important my work at home is, I still have nagging feelings of wanting to contribute more to the household.
I have been working since I was 15 years old and it feels very strange to not go into a job on a 9 to 5 basis. It truly feels like I am not contributing when I am not bringing home a monetary income.
Although staying at home does save us on daycare costs, it didn’t feel like enough to me. Our savings and Chris’ income is enough to get us by, but I always had an urge to contribute more.
It was only a few months into staying home that I was itching to get some money some way. I sold items we no longer needed, I babysat, and then I reached out to my parents to see if their business needed my help in any way. That’s when I started working for them. It’s truly the perfect set up and I am so thankful for the opportunity to be able to work flexible hours and bring in some extra income for our family.
Not sure where I heard that quote or if I have it right, but it really resonated with me. I always imagined myself as a working mom and I still think I will go back to work in the traditional sense someday, and I could never understand how people do it. I always thought it would be so hard to go to work all day and then come home to take care of the house and kids.
Now I realize it is hard, but they are both hard in different ways.
I didn’t realize that staying at home is still work, but without any potty breaks or lunch breaks or breaks driving to and from work or any breaks at all ever.
You can really start to feel crazy from isolation, boredom, or restlessness. So, I think this quote shows that while yes we have a full heart from being able to experience all the new things our baby can do by being home with them, it is difficult to remain mentally stimulated.
This was another reason why I reached out to my parents for work. At the same time, I also reached out to my teacher friends and my old school to see if they needed any help. It was so fun to be able to go read to different classes and help my friend with her classroom needs. I think I needed it as much as she did.
Going to friends and family’s classrooms to read helped me in so many ways.
If you have read this far you may be thinking the SAHM life is all doom and gloom. You may be ready to run for the hills or say “I told you so” to someone nearby. Before you leave, let me pass off some tips and advice. I received some great ideas from veteran moms and I also figured some stuff out along the way. Take what you need, leave the stuff that doesn’t make sense for you or your family. Everyone is different and we make decisions based on our own family situation.
It may be obvious to suggest or redundantly stated, but put yourself out there and find your mom tribe. This will be the most important thing to avoid the isolation and loneliness you feel. Yes, it will be important to talk with your partner or your other family members. Yes, it is great to have and keep your friends that do not have children. But there is something special about connecting with people that truly understand where you are and what you are going through.
I found this when I joined a Kindermusik class (a mommy and me music class) when Ruby was only about 7 weeks old. It didn’t happen right away. I saw these moms every week for months before we connected outside of the class.
We were not going to have class one Friday so I put myself out there and asked if they wanted to come to my house for brunch. It definitely took some courage for me to step out of my introverted comfort zone, but I am so glad I did.
I really connected with these moms because we all had children around the same age and we all stayed at home with them or worked flexible hours from home. We could commiserate about what they were or were not doing, what toys they like, when they slept, how they napped, if we liked staying home or being out and about, etc. We connected all the time through a group text and then we would schedule play dates and brunch dates too.
I have also found a great community of like-minded moms on Instagram with many great play accounts. Some of my “Insta-mom friends” and great accounts to follow are:
Finding like-minded moms of children the same age as your child is the key to avoiding loneliness.
Another piece of advice was just to realize and accept the fact that you will feel lonely sometimes. Every job has its pros and cons and loneliness is one of the cons of being a SAHM. You won’t feel lonely all the time, but when you do just realize its ok it won’t last forever and you will get through it.
Ruby with some of her baby friends. What would we do without them?
Another Con of being a SAHM is the boredom you will sometimes feel. Accepting it and realizing that it is ok to feel bored is part of the solution.
Another solution is to try to keep things fresh for you and your baby. Before Ruby was moving we would do baby stations. We would spend some time doing tummy time, then move to another area and do some swing time, play gym time, dancing, singing, go for a walk, etc. Rotating ourselves around the house kept things fresh.
I also began a toy rotation. You can read all about how to start a toy rotation HERE. Even when Ruby was really little I organized her rattles and baby toys into bins and would take out a new bin each week. I think this toy rotation was more for me than for her.
Some other people have suggested moving your furniture around frequently to keep things fresh. I guess in a way I have done that. Her play areas are always evolving. When you spend so much time in those areas you begin to see ways to change them.
One of the tips from my friend, the SAHM of four, was to leave the house in the morning at least every other day even if it is just for a walk around the block. She said to try to get out in the morning because it will help you feel accomplished for the rest of the day.
Living in Las Vegas means extremely hot summers, and of course this is when Ruby was born. So, leaving the house early means beating the heat and is almost necessary if you want to be outside.
We also made lots of trips to Target in the first few months. I would ask my husband for any errands he needed me to run or things from the store he needed to get. I didn’t care if I was going to the store for one thing if it helped me get out of the house.
Scheduling some special days helps too because it gives you something to look forward to. Whether it is a mommy and me class, a play date, or simply going to get coffee on Fridays making a routine of something different throughout the week helps the feeling of restlessness.
Some of the things we would do (some pre-covid) to get out of the house were library story time, go for walks at the park, and baby gymnastics class.
Ugh this one is so hard and there are so many ways to approach this problem. I’ll let you know what worked for us, but just know there are lots of articles and blogs dedicated to organizing and scheduling your days so that you feel less overwhelmed.
A lot of what helped me was just accepting the things I couldn’t get to and asking for help. I started by creating a weekly schedule for cleaning so that the tasks were broken down into small chunks each day and not one giant task, but when I started working from home it took up all of the nap times and left really little or no time for anything else. That is when we hired a house cleaner and a gardener.
Do I feel bad about hiring a house cleaner and a gardener? Sure, sometimes I do and think that I should be able to clean my own house, but honestly it is the best thing for my sanity and mental well-being. If you are in a position where you can hire some help around the house…do it and don’t feel guilty about it!
Again, there are those moms that can do it all, but I am not one of them. I also think if I did not take up working from home that I would probably have the time to do more housework. You decide what you can handle and then ask for help for things you can’t.
You can also ask for help by asking a family or friend to watch you baby for a few hours even if it is just to shower, go to the gym, run some errands, or just take a nap.
Make sure you are honest and open with your partner about your wants and needs. It might sound crazy, but in the beginning as soon as I physically could (I had a c-section) I wanted to cook dinner. I wanted to feel normal again, but I also wanted a break from caring for the baby. Just because you want a break from baby care doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby less. Caring for a baby is non-stop and to me that can be the most overwhelming part of it all. So, take those small “breaks” wherever you can.
First of all, do not ever let society, friends, family, strangers or anyone let you feel like you are not contributing and are not doing enough as a stay at home mom. I think it is one of the most honorable positions you could take and it does take sacrifice to be able to provide this for your family. Just because you do not bring in monetary income, does not mean you are not bringing something to the family.
Daycare costs a lot and so by staying home you are saving that money alone. Being there for your child and developing that relationship and connection is so valuable for your child, so in my opinion even if you take a small pay cut to stay home it is worth it.
With all that said, I still had the feeling of wanting to contribute more to the family. I started selling things we didn’t need, I babysat, and I started working for my family’s business.
I was searching for any way to be able to stay home and still make an income. I loved the new flexibility I had by staying home. Blogging became another way for me to pursue that life of a flexible work schedule and being able to stay home while also contributing to the household. There are many ways to monetize a blog.
One way is through affiliate marketing, which is basically marketing for companies that are useful or helpful to your target audience. I am able to bring you valuable products and when you purchase through my link, I get a small commission. All the while I get to write about and share my passion for early childhood education. It is a win-win situation.
If you are also feeling like you want to contribute, I suggest exploring all of your hobbies, interests, passions, abilities, and contacts. Reach out to people you know who are making it work and see how they did it.
Find what you are interested in and start small. Maybe it is just selling things around the house, crafting, or maybe it is starting your own business. Explore your passions and try to turn it into an income.
A super simple tip that helped somewhat with the mental stimulation part of staying at home is to get dressed in the morning everyday like you are going to leave the house. I know it may seem like such a simple idea, but this did help me feel more human. If I were to stay in PJs all day I would feel a lot less motivated to do much of anything else. Having a morning routine and getting ready for the day helped me mentally.
Besides getting ready for the day physically, I had to also get ready mentally. Planning our days helped to give me something to do.
After a while though, the daily household tasks and routines became mundane. I didn’t really feel like I was using my brain to its potential. This is the point I started reaching out to others to volunteer in their classroom or to help with the family business.
Working for my family kept me busy in the down times, but it wasn’t something I was super passionate about. That’s when I came up with the idea of blogging. Part of working for my family was redoing their website. I loved the creative aspect of designing the website and thought I could use that skill to create my own. Blogging gives me a chance to utilize my education and experience to share my passions. It also helps hold me accountable for doing fun and engaging things with Ruby at home.
So, if you are feeling stuck mentally or feel a lack of passion by staying at home with your baby, I suggest exploring ways you can help your family, friends, or community by either volunteering or finding work from home options. When I say “work” it doesn’t have to be a job, it can be exploring your interests through crafting, baking, photography, web design, anything that sparks some creativity and thought. If you can connect that with your child then that is even better.
In the beginning of my stay at home mom journey I was terrified and I scoured the internet for any piece of advice that would help me along the way. After all that reading and experiencing, I have found that the best advice has always been to trust your instincts and go with the path of least resistance.
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Hi!
I saw your reply on Tiny Hikes tonight and just subscribed to your blog. I enjoyed reading your How to Survive the First Year blog post and could relate to you in so many ways. My background is also in early childhood education and my masters is in special education. I am currently staying at home with my 1.5 year old daughter and it definitely has it’s challenges. I miss the classroom and working in general but I also love being able to watch my daughter play and discover new things. Anyways, I was inspired by your blog and have always wanted to do something similar geared towards children with special needs. I look forward to reading more of your posts. Thanks so much!
Aww thank you so much! Means a lot to me that you felt inspired by my posts and took your time to comment. A blog for children with special needs would be great! Let me know if you ever have any questions. Love connecting with other SAHMs.
2 thoughts on “How to Survive the First Year as a Stay at Home Mom”
Hi!
I saw your reply on Tiny Hikes tonight and just subscribed to your blog. I enjoyed reading your How to Survive the First Year blog post and could relate to you in so many ways. My background is also in early childhood education and my masters is in special education. I am currently staying at home with my 1.5 year old daughter and it definitely has it’s challenges. I miss the classroom and working in general but I also love being able to watch my daughter play and discover new things. Anyways, I was inspired by your blog and have always wanted to do something similar geared towards children with special needs. I look forward to reading more of your posts. Thanks so much!
Aww thank you so much! Means a lot to me that you felt inspired by my posts and took your time to comment. A blog for children with special needs would be great! Let me know if you ever have any questions. Love connecting with other SAHMs.